The Winter Doldrums

DOLDRUM:

a. A period of stagnation or slump.

b. A period of depression or unhappy listlessness

Truly, this winter has been a difficult one for me.  I don't remember ever experiencing a winter that has seemed so long, so cold, so dark. Our days of sunshine for the past 5 months can be numbered less than ten.  Even now, the snow is slowly melting after a 3-day snowstorm, and we are halfway through April. The lack of sunshine can cause some strange happenings in the brain.  The amount of sunlight is what triggers plants and trees to begin budding leaves, horses to shed their winter hair, chickens and other birds to lay eggs, and human brains to produce serotonin or melatonin.  The lack of sunlight can have a profound effect on the chemistry of our brains.  Sunlight is obviously vital for our existence, but I have learned it is essential for my well-being as well.  However, the lack of sunlight has caused me to learn and experience things I otherwise wouldn't have.  I know now what real, clinical depression feels like, and have since let go of any criticism/negative judgement I had left of those who struggle with chronic/clinical depression.  It is a beast of an experience.  The last three months I have experienced 2 crippling flare-ups of illiopsoas tendonitis, a nasty cold, then the worst virus I have ever fought.  I was sick for almost the entire month of March. I have some weird chronic back pain that has plagued me for months, and I believe I have adhesions (out of control scar tissue, from my accident-surgeries) growing around my abdominal cavity, sewing everything together. My appreciation for good health has grown exponetially, and has led me to do more to ensure I have better health now and in the future.  I've learned I can be passive about my health (physical, mental and emotional), and take it for granted for only so long before age and other factors (past trauma) begin to take its toll.  The longer I wait to do anything about my declining health, the harder it is to do anything about it. I love life WAY too much to continue to experience it in such a passive, ho-hum, victim-mentality.  These winter doldrums have shown me, none too gently, that I need to be "actively engaged" in all my good-causes, or something else can easily take their places. If I wait until I "feel like it" to go running, to drink the damn green gunk, to yoga my soreness away, to swallow the nutritional supplements, to educate and re-educate myself about my health and happiness, then I will only do those things when the "sun is shining."  10 days of sunshine in 5 months...that just won't cut it. Now I am in the process of learning to do those things when the sun isn't shining, when I feel like crawling back into bed, when the day is as light as the night.  Something about not allowing my outside circumstances to have so much say in what goes on within.  The discomfort of maintaining my health now is nothing compared to the pain that results in doing nothing for long enough...  Learning how to break through the resistance of the edges of my comfort zone...that is what I am learning now.  Yoga is a great teacher, and pain is a great motivator--but so is joy.  It's the joy I'm aiming for...and the ability to experience it fully.