Assertive Requests

When Wildman was working with troubled youth out in the wilderness, he learned some life/communication skills in order to teach them to the youth. He also wasted no time in coming home and teaching the kids and me.  One of these skills is called an “assertive request”.  It’s probably the most simple, basic, and clear way of communicating to get your needs/wants met.  Yet somehow through life, we get this really messed up.  An assertive request looks something like this:

WG is hungry, so she comes up to me and says, with respect, 

“Mom, could you please get me something to eat?”

“Sure!” I say. “Thanks for asking nicely.”

What an assertive request does NOT look like:

WG, to no one in particular, in a whiny-martyr-ish voice,  “I’m SO hungry!” (often accompanied with drama of some sort…eye roll, head roll, slumping of the shoulders, flopping on the floor, tears…)

Common response of a parent/caregiver: 

“Oh! Let me get you something to eat, okay?” (to the rescue!)

The problem with this?  The child learns to get what they want/need through manipulation.  Do they grow out of this? Not unless taught to. Loads of “adults” live this way. It can be subtle or not, but it’s still a form of manipulation. I was often living this way,  and sometimes I still default this way…though those times are getting fewer. 

My response to the above non-assertive non-request now:

WG:  “I’m SO hungry!” (drama ensued)

Me: “Cool.”   (Or  “huh…”  or  “yep”  or some word or sound that says I’ve heard her.)

WG: …big sigh…. “Mom, will you please get me something to eat?”  (spoken with respect, not whiny-ness)

Me: Sure!

What does WG learn? That asking clearly, with respect, gets her what she wants! Brilliant!  She learns I will not take the responsibility of assuming I know what she wants/needs (even if its obvious). I will not mind-read. It’s not my job.  What do I get out if it? I learn how to establish boundaries. I am not manipulated. I ensure I am treated with kindness and respect.  I am not a doormat. You teach people how to treat you.  It gets a little trickier with adults who don’t learn as fast as kids. Often adults will revert to guilt trips to try getting what they want, rather than a simple request. There are those people who will complain about their troubles/problems, expecting/wanting someone to jump in and rescue them…but they refuse to ask for help. ???   WM would ask, “How’s that working for ya?” 

 I find, now, that when I refuse to be manipulated through either guilt trips or intimidation (tantrums…and yes, there are tantrum-throwing adults out there) it can come across as rather uncaring, obtuse, or even that I’m just dim-witted.  In this case, the person will repeat their non-request:  “This job/work/calling is SO hard…etc, etc…”  (drama)…they even explain all the reasons why this is so.  I am poised listening ever so closely for that assertive request.  “Will you please help me____________?”  Otherwise, I practice my validation skills. (I need lots of practice).  Because, really, how do I know they don’t just want someone to listen to them? Do they really want me to jump in and fix-rescue the problem? (Do I even know how to fix the problem?) The fact is, I don’t know. First do no harm? So I wait for the assertive request.  On the flip side, I need to be clear and respectful with my communication.  As much as I want WM to read my mind on occasion, expecting or assuming that he is only gets me what I don’t want. He’s very consistent at insisting I use assertive requests…

I  love clear, respectful, kind communication. Who doesn’t?  So, the bottom line here?  If you need/want my help, just ask! I love to help.  Ya just gotta use words…J

Me and the kids: Firehole Lake, Yellowstone Ntl. Park  

 Photo taken by Wildman